*I’m giving fair warning up front…this blog is going to be a very honest blog. Not inappropriate in any way, but definitely very honest*
It’s no secret that I’m divorced, so I can talk about aspects of that life which I am now living. However, I chose a while ago to not share all the details of why it happened…partly because that’s personal and people don’t need to know all the details, partly because I have no ill will toward my ex and do not wish to share anything that could potentially hurt her…and by extension my children, and partly because I honestly am still not completely sure myself of exactly why it was allowed to happen, or even all the details of the why for that matter.
But, I have been and am fully willing to share about my life now as a divorced man. My struggles, hurts, thoughts, lessons learned, journey moving forward, and even joys. And that is what this blog is going to do in a very honest way.
This morning I sat down to write this month’s child support payment check (it’s no secret that a divorced man pays child support). I wrote the payment with, honestly, less money in the bank at this present moment than the amount I pay. Sounds crazy I know. I admit that I’ve never been a financial guru of any sort, but at the same time I do know this is backwards. I get the concept of having enough money in the bank to cover bills. And I would LOVE to be in that position for sure!
However, this is the reality of my current position.
What is even more crazy is the fact that I’ve been doing this since the divorce a year and a half ago. Not every month, but most months. The divorce and loss of job that happened all at the same time sent me into a terrible financial downward spiral, and I’m still working to be able to begin recovering from it. No job that I’ve had since losing my job when my divorce happened has been completely adequate enough to cover all my bills. They’ve provided me with money, and I’ve been able to use that money to never miss a child support payment…but I’ve paid it or other bills several times with less money in the bank than the amount needed at that moment.
At this point you may be saying to yourself “then you should cut down on your bills”. That is a great idea…and I’ve already done that as much as I can. I don’t have my own place, I live with friends who graciously gave me a room in their house. Literally, since moving out of the house where I lived with my family in November of 2015, I’ve lived with 3 different families. I tried to have my own apartment for a while, but that just sent me into more financial difficulties. I don’t have cable, don’t pay for internet (thank you to the family I live with for letting me use their internet), do hardly any grocery shopping apart from making sure I can feed my kids and that I have basic needs met, and do not even have any insurance at this time.
However, the reality of my position is still the reality at this time. I live week-to-week figuring out how to make ends meet.
But the craziest part of it all is that every month since my divorce, without fail, I have been able to cover all my bills. That’s CRAZY!
And since my divorce and the beginning of my financial struggles, I’ve even been able to still do 2 mission trips as well as take a few trips to visit friends and family. I’ve been able to take my kids out to eat or do other special things with them from time to time. I have not run out of gas money yet, despite all the driving around I do. And even this past week I was able to take a few days to visit with and be a tour-guide to one of my best friends from High School, as well a trip to 6 Flags with some great friends. I’ve yet to have to starve because I can’t afford groceries, and I’ve still been able to have a small social life as well.
Yet when you look at my bank account and my life, you see that I probably shouldn’t be able to do any of those things. I work extremely hard for all the money I earn, and I have not once asked for any financial help from other people. So how am I able to pay my bills and enjoy life this much?
God has proven to me over and over and over and over and over and over and over and (you get the idea) just how faithful he is. Most of the trips and big things I’ve been able to do are a direct result of the generosity of other people. Even though I haven’t asked for help, God keeps laying on people’s hearts to help me, and it’s always just the amount I need at the time it’s needed. Personally, I have always hated taking money from people…but I also know God provides through people, so I’m not going to turn down the help I obviously need either.
God’s faithfulness to me has been CRAZY! Crazy in that I’ve been able to live the way I have lived despite my current state. Crazy in that I have not been asking people for help but have been constantly getting the help I need. Crazy in that I currently live in a way that is just that, crazy…because yes, I know that making less than what my bills are is not financially smart (I’ve been looking for a job in my career of choice again for a while now, so I’m doing what I need to try to find better employment). And crazy in just how faithful God has been on such a consistent basis during this difficult time in my life.
God’s faithfulness is CRAZY!
This morning I was reading Matthew 6:19-34, which is a great passage and served as a very important reminder to me of putting God first in my life and trusting in him to provide my needs. After reading that passage I read in my favorite devotional “Moments with the Savior”. At the end of my reading today, there was a portion of the closing prayer that was just perfect.
It is not easy to continually trust God to provide the things I need but can’t currently cover. I never want to miss a child support payment, because I want to do all I can to care for my kids as best as I am able to in my new way of living…and I’ve had to rely on my Heavenly Father to take care of me in order for me to be able to take care of my children.
What a beautiful picture of God caring for me so I can be care for my kids. What an amazing lesson in continual trust and dependence. And what a crazy display of God’s INCREDIBLE faithfulness.
I share this for 2 reasons. One, I want to praise God and give him all the glory he is due for all that he has done in my life. And two, I want to encourage anyone who is struggling to trust God with something in their life. God can be trusted, because God is faithful. Simply continue seeking after him, and he will take care of you.