Today was just like any other day. I went through my normal morning routine, had a normal day at work, took a normal lunch break, and after work began my normal commute home. On my drive I plugged in my iPhone to listen to music, as I always do. My music is organized into different playlists, and I have my usual favorite playlists that I like to listen to. But today I decided to do something I don’t normally do…I put it on shuffle and let it play through all the music I have. It was cool listening to some songs that I hadn’t heard in a while.
Then things changed, and it was no longer just like any other day, when a song came on that I hadn’t heard for a long time. As it began to play, it was as if the song was being sung directly to my heart. Almost as if the song was written just for me. The song was “Just Be Held” by Casting Crowns.
The chorus especially spoke to my heart; one line in particular. So much so that I just kept replaying the song over and over. I had a couple stops to make on my drive home, which made the drive longer than usual…and the entire drive I listened to only this song. The chorus of this song says:
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
The line in the chorus that spoke so strongly to my heart was “Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place”. No matter how many times I heard that, it seemed to always speak to me just as strong as ever. I kept thinking about that phrase, processing what it meant and even asking myself ‘is that true?’
For the past year and half as I’ve walked through everything that lead to me being divorced, living alone, only getting to see my kids a few times a week, and losing a job that I loved, I had thought of it all as my life was falling apart. I knew God was in control, and while I have definitely complained to him at times, I never doubted that he was in control. I didn’t really understand why he had allowed it to happen, but I knew I could trust him. I knew that God had a plan for my life, and that he can even use the worst of situations for good.
But the only way I had thought about all of it was that the life I had, the life that I was blessed with and absolutely loved, had fallen apart. When thinking about how God had a plan and was still in control, I did so by thinking about how God will restore and help me put the pieces of my shattered life back together, and he will use my brokenness for good. My thought process always began with the assumption that my life had fallen apart.
So when I heard the phrase “Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place”, it really hit me deep in my core. Deep down where I’m still hurting the most, where the pain of all that happened and the questions of why it happened are still raw, where my wishes that I will wake up and it would all of been a bad dream are found, and where my hope for a better future is still kept. Deep down in my soul.
Have I been looking at my life all wrong? Have I been starting from the wrong place when I think about everything that happened and where I’m currently at? Is it possible that my life didn’t fall apart, but rather it’s simply that God is working on the next chapter of my life, and this tragedy is something he allowed to happen to help me get to that next chapter?
Perhaps my life is right on track with where God is leading me, and this is just another bump along the road that he is using to teach me.