Have you ever been so lonely that you turned on the TV just to hear other people’s voices so you wouldn’t feel completely alone?
Have you ever wanted to go to bed for the sole purpose of ending the pain from that day, but ended up laying awake because you knew the pain would be waiting for you when you got up tomorrow?
Have you ever spent the night in a hotel rather than at your own place because you hate going home to an empty house?
Have you ever wanted to cry but felt so out of touch with your own emotions in that moment that the numbness kept any tears from falling?
Have you ever screamed as loud as you could but the room was silent because all the screaming was in your heart and mind?
Have you ever sat for hours without moving or speaking because you had nowhere to go or anyone to talk to, but even if there was somewhere to go or someone to talk to you wouldn’t have the energy to attempt to?
Have you ever wished you were void of all emotions so that you wouldn’t have to feel anymore?
I have. I’ve done and felt all of these. It goes along with being broken. Broken and unsure of what to do next, where to go next, or what next even looks like.
No, this blog is not a cry for help. No, I’m not seeking attention. No, no one needs to rush over to my place to protect me from myself. No, you don’t need to worry about me. Why? Because I can admit these. I can be honest with where I am at right now. I am comfortable sharing how I feel.
I am not running from the feelings and emotions that go along with being broken. I’m embracing them. I’m embracing the brokenness. Embracing the brokenness that my life is currently in the state of. The brokenness that God has allowed to be my current reality. Brokenness of a life that has not gone as I planned, but knowing it’s still a life that God has a plan for.
The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands. (Psalm 138:8)
The reality is, everyone in this life is broken in some way. It might not be broken by divorce as I am, but because we as humans are fragile and this life is full of selfishness and evil, we have all been broken in some way. And the longer we are alive, the more opportunities there are for brokenness to happen in our life. That’s just the reality.
No, I’m not being a downer or trying to make anyone depressed. I’m simply being honest, because in a broken and hurting world where people are searching for something to help heal the pain, being honest must take high priority. If I’m already broken, I don’t need to also be living a life in denial or trying to hide it. That just leads to more pain. Embracing our reality and being honest about our emotions is the healthiest way to live in the midst of brokenness.
When we are honest and embrace the brokenness, we can begin to effectively work through the emotions and pain. Working through the emotions and pain, rather than denying or hiding them, leads to strength and maturity and even the ability to help others who are experiencing the same thing in their own life.
This life is less about what leads to brokenness and more about how we deal with and embrace that brokenness.
It is easy for us to pray/ask/beg God to take us out of the times when being broken seems to be defining our lives. It’s easy to want to be done with the difficulties of life as soon as possible so we can move on as if it never happened. However, that’s not possible. There are things in life that leave permanent scars. But that’s OK. Scars are not necessarily a bad thing. Some scars are bigger and take longer to form than others, but all scars are a reminder of something that was at one time painful but has also been through the healing process.
In my own life, I have a choice each day…often multiple times a day. I can try to run from, deny, minimize, or ignore the pain and brokenness. Or, I can embrace it, be honest about it, and work to properly deal with it.
God has chosen to allow this particular brokenness to be a part of my life and story. Do I understand why? No, not at all. But regardless of whether I understand or not, it’s still my reality. God never promised life would be easy, he only promised to give me strength and be with me through this life. He promised to guide my path, to be my strength when I am weak, to offer me grace and give me peace, and to be there with me no matter what. And I know that if I seek to remain close to him in this brokenness, he can use it for his glory.
So I’m embracing the brokenness. The times I struggle with the loneliness. The times I feel numb from the pain. The times I want to cry but can’t…as well as the times I wish I could stop. All of it is part of the healing process. And while it’s not easy or fun now, I know that God has a purpose, and that he can use every single painful feeling and emotion for good if I continue to trust in him and allow him to work in my life as only he can.
I’m broken. God’s plan for me right now includes that brokenness. And thus I am choosing to embrace the brokenness. May God be glorified in my brokenness now, and may he be glorified in whatever future he has for me where this brokenness will be used for good.
I’ve created a new category on this blog called “Broken Thoughts“. I want to be honest about where I’m at, and I want to share some of that honesty as God leads. My prayer is that perhaps through my sharing God will use what he is teaching me to maybe help someone else as well (and if not, then at least I am being honest and getting my thoughts out).